I Let You Get to Me One Time Baby

Love songs are where we become our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Cypher skillful tin can come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans take been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and groovy families take blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other paw, that time you told that daughter you just started seeing that you lot would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. You lot know? And L.A. is then hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that boom box over your caput outside your ex's house? You did that considering of a beloved song. And 50 hours of community service later on, you're still not back together.

Love songs are neat. They make our hearts shell faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they requite us terrible, terrible ideas almost how bodily, real-life man relationships should work.

They're amazing. Then astonishing. And as well terrible.

Here are half-dozen honey songs that sound romantic merely aren't, and ane song that doesn't audio romantic but totally is:

one. "God But Knows," by The Beach Boys

You lot can continue your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the almost heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars to a higher place y'all

Y'all never need to dubiousness information technology

I'll make y'all so sure nigh it

God but knows what I'd be without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Merely Knows" on your iPod, you should really end and start over.

If y'all're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball cyberspace and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, yous demand to rethink the choices that got you to this betoken.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're non underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Simply Knows," yous are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their fashion to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a vocal that just feels like love. Pure love. Young love. Dear with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here's why it'southward actually really, really unromantic:

In that location'south nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair every bit they fall asleep while you lot whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing equally loving someone a skosh too much.

If yous should always leave me

Though life would still get on believe me

The earth could show naught to me

So what good would living practise me?

Await, I get it. Breakups suck. There'due south no getting around that. Simply good God.

There's a huge difference between proverb: "Hey baby, you are my commencement and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if you lot go." And saying: "Welp, y'all accepted that job in Seattle, so I'k just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."

But that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God simply knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: "I'd exist a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a skillful run. Photo via iStock.

That'south non love. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a form of emotional corruption.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, past definition, might 1 mean solar day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in 1 basket. Sure, God may but know what you'd be without her, but God probably also hopes you accept, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her proper noun again?" Photograph past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

Ane person cannot be anyone's be-all and end-all. It'southward likewise stressful. And it prevents y'all from doing you, which is a thing that'south gotta be done before you can practise annihilation else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, information technology's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song y'all've always heard. But, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you're my golden star

You know you tin make my wish come true

If yous allow me treasure you

If you allow me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and y'all'll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment nighttime is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will recollect you're weird — but probably still make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you lot're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photograph past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

But, hither's why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as information technology seems:

Everything almost "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, accept I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the kickoff time we met?" Photo past Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go south right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attending, baby

I gotta tell you a little something most yourself

Ah yes. Aught screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a foreign woman on the street almost something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could information technology be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology be that she'south got something in her teeth? Could information technology be that her nonfiction volume about early on modern German language history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for education me all about Martin Luther'due south bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.

Spoiler Alarm: It's none of those.

Y'all're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk effectually hither similar you wanna be someone else

Oh. It'due south that she'due south sexy. Absurd, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear on her day-to-day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I recollect being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good manner to spend a 3-day weekend.

Certain, at that place'd be an adjustment period... Photo past Eamonn Chiliad. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of grade, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A daughter like y'all should never await then blue.

He respects her then much, he's actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much similar Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I approximate everybody'due south got a thing.

Yes, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange adult female and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world'due south creepiest pirate:

You lot are my treasure, you lot are my treasure

You are my treasure, aye, you lot, you, you, you are

Y'all are my treasure, you are my treasure

You lot are my treasure, yeah, you lot, yous, y'all, you are

By this betoken, in his listen, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose information technology could be worse, though. At least she'southward not but any thing.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That's ... something, right?

3. "Don't Retrieve Twice, Information technology's All Right," by Bob Dylan

For every bit long equally humans take been dating each other, humans have been breaking upward with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a human relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph past William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know past now

And it ain't no utilise to sit and wonder why, infant

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the intermission of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

Y'all're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it's all right.

Blast. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Retrieve Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful song. It's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller chore, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a current of air chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Certain, it's about the end of a relationship, only it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Here's why information technology's actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships stop. For a lot of reasons. And while in that location is no right way to telephone call information technology quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest word about what went wrong.

Information technology'south not me, Joan. It's y'all. 100% you. Photo past Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your mistake."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my center, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all similar, "Infant, I simply have and then much unspecified honey to requite," and she's like, "Take out the trash!" And you're similar, "Simply baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist enough?" And she's similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and fabricated both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is accept out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna become play guitar." So she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change y'all? UGH!

You could take done ameliorate, but I don't mind

Yes. Yous do listen! You mind! You lot wrote a song most it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Think most all the hours yous wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Aye, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you lot start breaking it downwards, the bulletin of "Don't Think Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister'southward ex-swain, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'south air current chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid back up.

"Y'all kids want a beer? No ane's under thirteen, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song's narrator too point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'1000 told

That'due south right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive wiggle — turns out, he'due south also possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'south not actually a child — which there's no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an young partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a brutal, dismissive manner is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may exist the point.

four. "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," past John Denver

Who has 2 thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo past Hughes Telly Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the fourth dimension information technology was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a mod ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'grand a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'southward somehow notwithstanding folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not piece of cake to do!

Oh baby, I detest to go

Y'all meet — he hates to go! He merely hates it! We know this, because he tells usa he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't beloved his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here's why information technology's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract then much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've let yous down

So many times I've played around

I tell you now, they don't mean a thing

"Infant, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex activity I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Only residual bodacious — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty equally this bed I just finished having sexual activity with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you pause it downwardly, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more than the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'due south "good" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up most having to office from his 1 and only, the dude seems pretty excited almost the flight. Oh, yous're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to choke down every bit yous saturday waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll call back about her while strumming and making "my dear is delicate every bit the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes upwards for information technology all.

Then he demands:

So osculation me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll expect for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, later basically revealing himself to exist a grade-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To expect for him?

And here'southward the kicker:

When I come up back, I'll bring your wedding ceremony ring

Ah yes. He'll put a band on information technology. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family bank business relationship, and just been a general screwup and thwarting.

Simply yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Human Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look up "soul" in the lexicon, the volume plays y'all a recording of this vocal.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photograph past Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very get-go line.

Here's why information technology sound very romantic:

When a human being loves a woman

Sure, y'all tin write the lyrics downwardly, but it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... but however no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Aye! Sing information technology, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

It's a eye-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands yous put your back into information technology.

It's perfection.

Equally long equally you don't continue listening.

Here's why the song is really pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," nosotros know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said homo loves said adult female?

He'd give upward all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the way

Information technology ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no affair how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man volition die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plough his dorsum on his best friend if he put her downwardly.

No! Jeez. No. A human tin't put up with that kind of isolating beliefs. A human needs friends! Once a homo's whole back up system erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and lonely. And a human's mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to agree on to your heartless love

Infant, please don't treat me bad.

This is non what happens "when a human being loves a woman." It's what happens when a homo loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating adult female. A adult female who, in truth, simply loves a woman. Herself.

"It's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that'southward not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're here for you.

(Side note: Lest it go implied, there is way more than than 1 way for a man to beloved a woman. Peradventure they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they clothes up in large, costly true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a human being, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a adult female. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, at that place'due south no ane-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the female parent of invention. There's more one manner to skin a cat. A spoonful of carbohydrate helps the medicine go downward.

Information technology doesn't matter if it'due south the correct metaphor, every bit long as it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You can practise this! And if you lot ever find yourself in a similar situation, please requite these people a call.

half-dozen. "All I Wanna Do is Brand Honey to Y'all," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most pop AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Earth's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. Yous should always be listening to information technology. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. Information technology'due south but that important.

I am singing the telephone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo past FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. And then much pain. Then much hair.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring tune, Middle sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the 1 true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking upwardly an unnervingly attractive man for one dark of mind-blowing sex and and then releasing him dorsum into the wild to os — just never quite as compellingly always again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Continuing past the route, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accustomed with a smile and so we drove for a while

I don't accept to go along because yous know what happens next, and it'southward awesome.

"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

At present, here's why this song is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be true. And it is. Considering it's not an equally loving ,or even as lusty, pairing at all.

Information technology's a...

It's a...

Well. You lot know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photograph by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like whatever wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his proper name, this alone boy in the pelting

Fate, tell me it'due south right, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick upwards a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta get with your gut.

I tin respect that.

We made magic that nighttime

He did everything right

Great! Seems similar it was a practiced determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

Just then, without warning, the song starts to audio less like an all-fourth dimension great romance and more similar a story men's rights activists tell each other equally they vape around a bivouac:

I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree

Don't try to observe me, please don't yous dare

Just live in my memory, you'll always be in that location"

I'g not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking virtually a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You lot might exist tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

And then it happened 1 day

Nosotros came round the same style

Yous tin can imagine his surprise

When he saw his ain eyes

There are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from 9 years ago:

Photograph by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping upwards a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, delight understand

Ah, certain. Yep. No worries.

I'm in dearest with some other human

Absurd, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not 1 only two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the i trivial thing that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you tin can say about that is that information technology's non technically illegal, and that leather-jacket human probably should accept been responsible for his own nascence control. Or, at the very to the lowest degree, asked more questions .

But ... it's not cute. Information technology'southward non romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the cease of the twenty-four hour period, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the nighttime.

Which... is saying something.

But there is a beloved song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a ocean of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a good for you partnership built to concluding.

A song that tin can double as a manual for the ideal man romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither'southward why you lot might be — OK, well-nigh definitely are — skeptical:

l Cent (50) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As tricky as "Processed Store" is, as fun it is to trip the light fantastic toe to, and every bit cathartic as it can be to scream in the eye of a crowded fraternity house at ii a.m., there's no getting around the fact that the song begins similar this:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll postal service that over again, in case you missed some of the dash:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll permit you lick the lollipop

Fashion to accept 1 for the squad, narrator of "Processed Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's thought of a classic dear song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn down" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology's non a vocal y'all'd put on a mixtape for your trounce. It's not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at domicile with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upward the Piscataway Hampton Inn. Information technology's certainly non a song you'd include on the video photograph montage you made for your grandparents' silver ceremony.

It's just not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here's why "Candy Store" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship vocal:

You wanna back that thing upwardly or should I push upward on it? Photo past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. Information technology's merely been 20 seconds, and you're already getting gear up to hang it up with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the foursquare thrum and the mewling strings, a phenomenon occurs — in the form of a female vocalism joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion phone call.

She sings:

I'll accept you lot to the processed shop (yeah)

Male child, one gustatory modality of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Go on going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

Information technology'due south common! It'due south mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!

Band the bells! Blindside the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photograph past liz due west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may non be the world's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets information technology:

You could have it your way, how practise you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'grand going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in y'all!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat you lot like a breast full of aureate doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Exercise is Make Beloved to Y'all," ("I'm going to fox you into knocking me up!") — the "Processed Store" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is expert for almost 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to exercise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The embankment? The park?

It's whatever you lot're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

Simply here'south the key affair: the lady on the receiving finish of those desires? She'due south clearly into it. And we know this because she says then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we practice ...

And where we do ...

The things nosotros practise ...

Are only between me and you

No thing how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. Information technology volition be private. At that place will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of whatever relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very mayhap in the instance of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may accept a high sexual practice drive, only dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might get the distance after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship only two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thank you, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like information technology's a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally slap-up fourth dimension.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of class, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random humbug, simply if nosotros're to take him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at to the lowest degree as good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practice is Make Beloved to Y'all" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he'south not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a expert partner.

"Processed Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. It's non your grandmother'due south love song.

Simply when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "All-time of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the stop of the twenty-four hour period, isn't that what a good for you relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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